Getting Forgiven

Question:

I know that when you do something wrong you have to “do teshuvah” (repent), and “it’s never too late to do teshuvah,” and all of that. But how do you know when you have been forgiven? Or does the guilt just go on and on?

Answer:

Getting forgiven is great. But the real question is, “How do I clean up my mess and get on with life?”

As soon as you regret what you did, and resolve that it will never happen again, you are forgiven. You say out loud, “I did such-and-such right in front of You (because everywhere is right in front of You), and I really regret it, and I won’t do it again.” That’s called vidui. If you say it and you really mean it, you’re past it.

But you’re not over it. It’s like getting sick: The doctor can prescribe powerful antibiotics to knock off the bacteria, or perform surgery to remove the malignant tissue. But even after that, there’s still a lot of time left for inflamed tissue to heal and for the body to recover.

Just cleaning up your mess and getting back to where you started is a real waste of a good sin . . .

So, really, there are three steps:

Forgiveness
Healing
Health

. . . or think of them like this:

Get past it
Get over it
Get it

Healing—getting over it—begins when you do something to clean up the mess you’ve made. What heals a spiritual mess-up? Once upon a time, it was by fasting. Today, fasting just makes bigger messes. Even in the time of the Talmud, those who were weakened by fasting did not fast; all the more so today.

That’s aside from the “holy roller” phenomenon you may have observed—that those who fast and do other such holy stuff can’t help announcing it to the world, and believing that they’ve become elevated spiritual beings, beyond the rest of us. That’s not healing; that’s messing up further.

So today, the best way to bring about healing is with lots of tzedakah (a.k.a. “charity”). Generally, a Jew is obligated to give ten percent of his profits to charities of his choice. So teshuvah means going beyond that. Even better, go out there with both your feet and do something good for someone with both of your hands. Now that’s teshuvah. You’re at Healing. But not yet at Health.

Health is a whole new level where you’ve never been before. It’s when that mess-up in your past drives you to greater heights, with a surge of unprecedented energy. Your Torah study, prayer and mindfulness in life are inspired and driven by the thirst of having once been distant and now drawn close to the Light. This is called teshuvah ila’ah—“higher teshuvah.” It’s said that G‑d created the possibility of sin in order to make this accessible.

It’s said that G‑d created the possibility of sin in order to make teshuvah ila’ah (“higher teshuvah”) accessible

In other words, just cleaning up your mess and getting back to where you started is a real waste of a good sin. The whole point was to drive you further and higher. Because everything in life has purpose.

If so, the question is not just “did you get over it?” but “did you get it?”1

Footnotes

Concerning all this, see Iggeret Hateshuvah of R. Schneur Zalman of Liadi, printed as the third book of Tanya.

Tzvi Freeman is the author of Bringing Heaven Down to Earth and, more recently, Wisdom to Heal the Earth. Subscribe to The Daily Dose of Wisdom and Freeman Files for regular updates.

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Gabriel Schecter Houston Texas March 24, 2021

Rabbi Freeman

I was reading your interesting article ‘Was the Holocaust a Punishment from God’ and noted that you made a statement concerning sages. Something about their reporting Hashem’s prophet Isaiah being punished after saying to G-d something about living among people whose lips were impure. Then stating G-d's response to His prophet regarding speaking against His children and punished by getting his lips burned by an angel.

I had no idea that sages had the power to speak to or hearing from G-d as we were told that only Moshe Rabenu could speak directly to Him.

Would you kindly give any reference to this event in the written Torah or in the Talmud?

B”H

Gabriel Schecter Reply

Ali Oregon October 27, 2019

My husband betrayed me and has asked for forgiveness, but I just can't do it yet, if ever. Who is forgiveness for me or him. Why should I forgive him. Reply

Tzvi Freeman Sandy Springs November 17, 2019

in response to Ali:

If you feel he is not sincere and that this is just going to happen again, then you have a point.

But if he sincerely regrets what he did and takes full responsibility for his actions, then you need to ask him what he’s planning to do different from now on. Have that conversation, and then decide if you can take him back.

Human’s fail. But we also have the capacity to upgrade ourselves after the fact so we don’t fail twice at the same thing. Maybe you can get yourself an upgraded husband. Reply

Feigele Boca Raton November 17, 2019

in response to Ali:

Forgiveness is for you, to find peace and go on with your life with him or without
If you cherish your happiness, you will make a decision and stand by it
Is your husband the kind of person who would repeat his mistake? you can wait and see! then it would be easy to decide Reply

Feigele Boca Raton FL November 20, 2019

in response to Ali:

46 yrs ago! Has he repeated his mistake? And how long was he with the first time? Maybe his mistake was due to not having children but he realized maybe that his mistake was not a substitute for it and he proved he loved you by staying with you. You have lived with him in peace and trust not knowing anything, you might want keep living same way. It's not going to change anything now. We can never forget the hurts people do to us, but we can go on with life, call it forgiving or something else, it allows us to end our life in peace, which you deserve. For him, it will lift a heavy load on his conscience and maybe love you even more. You will both be very happy if you put all this behind you. Reply

Feigele Boca raton FL November 17, 2019

in response to Tzvi Freeman:

With all due respect Rabbi, A person might repent themselves at the moment, it doesn't mean they will not change again later on. And that person will forget his promise and repeat it again, it happens all the time. It's not sincerity, it's weakness! Being human doesn't excuse hurting someone else whose feelings and hurts should be taken into consideration before acting upon one's desire physically or mentally Reply

Ali Oregon November 17, 2019

in response to Tzvi Freeman:

Thank you Tzvi. He is remorseful. And trying to make amends. His betrayal took place many years ago.Although I only found out about it a few months ago. I trust him that he will not do this again. We plan on staying together as we've been married several decades. If I do forgive him what does he get out of being forgiven. Or am I at fault now for not forgiving him? Reply

Richard Lennard Glasgow April 10, 2021

in response to Tzvi Freeman:

as long as you do not forgive him, you will be hurt by the incident/s. Unfortunately, forgiveness is necessary for your own peace of heart and mind. No matter weather the forgiveness is deserved or not. Reply

Tzvi Freeman Sandy Springs November 18, 2019

in response to Ali :

I don’t know that it can be consider a “fault” on your part. It’s natural to hold onto a hurt like that. Among other functions, it’s a kind of seat belt, so that if it happens again, G‑d forbid, you’ll feel prepared.

But the truth is it’s hurting you to hold onto this. It’s not allowing you to feel safe and secure, it’s not allowing you to appreciate your partner in life and to feel his love. And that in turn affects your children and their sense of well-being. There’s nothing children thrive off more than the love and trust their parents have for one another.

So yes it’s a sacrifice and a gamble in some ways, but in the big picture it’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family.

See Rocket Science and a Broken Marriage Reply

Ali Oregon November 19, 2019

in response to Tzvi Freeman:

Thank you Tzvi, unfortunately there are no children between him and I. I love my husband and I don't want to be an old lady by myself. I just would like to know what he gets out of my forgiving him. Reply

Ali Oregon November 19, 2019

in response to Feigele:

Thank you. His betrayal happened over 46 years ago, but I only learned about it 8 months ago. It will never be repeated. I just want to know for my own sake what he gets out of my forgiving him. He has asked several times, initially I refused. He has asked several times since the discovery of the betrayal. I have not said yes or no. Other than I don't want to forgive in sincerely. Maybe I just need more time. Is the sin now on me to forgive him if he is sincere and making what amends he can? He seems to think so. It's not fair. I'm the injured innocent party. I should be able to take all the time I need to try to recover from this devastation. Reply

Tzvi Freeman November 20, 2019

in response to Ali :

From your forgiveness, he gains your love, your respect, and your confidence in him.

But you are right, you need time to forgive sincerely. Do things together. Travel together. Laugh together. Slowly, allow the wound to heal. Reply

Ali Oregon November 20, 2019

in response to Feigele:

Hi, us not having children had nothing to do with it. We didn't even know we couldn't have children at the time. It was a stupid act of poor judgment. I know it wasn't intentionally done to hurt me, although he should have known that it would and it has even though it's been 46 years. I'm still working on the forgiving and will continue to search to find out what he gets out of being forgiven. Thanks for your help. Reply

Anonymous woodland hills,ca September 17, 2019

I asked please forgive me when I told a friend off. She accepted this but our friendship was never the same. Did I get past this? I wish I could. As the New Year comes, I try harder to watch what I say. Repentance, prayer and charity is the rule I must follow. Reply

Anonymous September 10, 2019

Hi Rabbi

But what about knowing that I am human and that it's very likely that I will G-d forbid commit the same sin again? Reply

Tzvi Freeman September 10, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

If you keep pondering that sin, whatever it is, it's quite likely you'll do it again. Thinking about good things, do lots of good things, and eventually you will find that sin so repulsive, you won't understand how you ever could have done such a thing. Reply

Feigele Boca Raton FL September 10, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

No excuses in this case! As human, you are suppose to learn your lessons in this life! Unfortunately, most people don't and repeat same mistakes over and over! So I guess, it takes few lives to finally get it! maybe! Reply

Jonathan June 5, 2019

This is spot-on - thank you Reply

Nina Ambrose Lockridge April 25, 2018

Thank you.I struggle with forgiveness and the longing for forgiveness to and from other and oneself. Reply

Feigele St Johns FL October 15, 2017

This person might have emotional problems. If they are neighbor, try to put a letter in their mailbox asking what happened that you are not conscious about it! Reply

Thea New Jersey October 14, 2017

Asking for forgiveness after wronging someone. What if you know you must have hurt someone by their scorn of you, not speaking to you, etc., but they do not tell you what it is that you did? This has just happened to me with a long term friend and neighbor. I ask, and get no response.
What to do? Ask their forgiveness for "whatever I did? What if if does require I compensate the wronged person?. Reply

Jeffrey Perlman Miami, FL October 17, 2017

in response to Thea:

If the forgiveness requires monetary compensation, I respectfully suggest that the wrong is already known. Make contact, tell the person how important the relationship is and that that you really, really want to restore it. That starts communication. But be careful; a conversation can turn into miscommunication in a flash.

If the issue is not monetary, continue to politely and humbly probe. I am told that one is expected to ask three times before HaShem takes care of the matter. I could be wrong. All that I am saying is to never give up. I personally received the cold shoulder from a friend while in law school. The cold war lasted a year. Everything was better than before when I found the only publication that had the answer to a huge test. I made sure that she and the other 7 in our class got a copy. No Yid in Peltz here. But seeing that act melted the ice. Friendship restored and lasting- the incident? Over 35 years ago.

Never give up! Reply

Ephraim Bander Brooklyn April 25, 2017

Rabbi Freeman,

Your clear, holy gift in putting concepts in visual story form is brilliant.

Thank you, Reply

Anonymous London, UK September 23, 2015

Fasting Hi Rabbi

So am I right that if one can fast and not announce it at all to anyone (except maybe to ones spouse), then that is still the best way to heal? Reply

suzy handler woodland hills, ca July 24, 2015

You can ask for forgiveness for you or someone else. That does not mean you are
given a pardon. Only G-d gives a pardon. Reply

Yitzchak Chaim July 4, 2015

The step back of sin allows the space needed to leap ahead in spirit.

One man throws a baseball quickly using his wrist.
The other man stretches his arm as far a possible behind his head to throw the ball.
The second man's ball goes further and faster because he generates greater momentum behind the ball. This can be applied to batting, golfing, slingshots, swinging a hammer, or a trampoline.
Repentance takes time and complete attention. We must first be realistic about our individual sin. Denial and delusion make us "sprain our wrist" rushing, not waiting for the "arm to reach all the way back so that our souls become fastballs." Reply

ruth housman marshfield hills, ma August 22, 2013

IT just happened, forgiveness I had a falling out with a friend, who created an online storybuilding game. She used a little poem, about a gnome, that I had written. Then we had a quite ridiculous falling out, which ended in a sweet email in which she wrote nourishment, and offered to give me a gifte to a favorite restaurant. Just before this came zooming in.

Forgiveness for small things, is very easy and important. For the bigger things it's a weighty matter and sometimes we need to wait for the passage of time to put things in perspective. Time itself has a way of healing old wounds, and yet, that contact, that is personal, feels like a good closure, a mutual shaking of hands, not fists. Reply

Arnie Gerstein Sturgis August 21, 2013

forgiveness I meant to say we may have to face the pain and the shame of being who we are not...of facing our alienation and separation from others that we have created. The pain of separation and the need to compensate by becoming addicted to validation is also difficult to face but it is the key to tikkun olam and to our freedom. Once the fear of facing our make believe separation is less than our desire to face the world of make believe and pretense, tikkun takes place. Reply

Scott Cunningham Boca Raton, FL August 21, 2013

I have experienced the need to be forgiven Ensconced within Vayeshev in the Holy Zohar it talks about the most significant choice that we must make: whether to follow the Evil Inclination, the negative energy present and influential from the moment of conception or to follow the Good Inclination, which does not convey itself until age 13. I chose to follow the Evil energy and my life has been a roller coaster ride. At 62 the Holy Name had, had enough. I rejoiced in having excepted the energy of the judgment bestowed upon me for a lifetime of following the left side (Evil Inclination). If I had only known at age 13 to follow the right side (Good Inclination) I would not have been shown all the hurt I caused others in my later years. Like a parent who lovingly disciplines the child so am I a child of G-ds' love. I hurt for those I hurt. I wept for those who I hurt and I have vowed to never do this again. Rabbi Freeman thank you for clarifying my forgiveness being accepted by the center of the universe. G-d. Reply

Thea New Jersey October 14, 2017

in response to Scott Cunningham:

I chose a path like yours, via ommission, not outright crime or other overt evil acts such as stealing. I withdrew from people in my own family, including my husband and children; actually did not relate to them, or anyone else, for that matter, did not meet any of their needs, as would be expected from a wife, mother, or friend. Most are dead now, so I cannot ask them for forgiveness, or provide compensation. What should a Jewish person do at this point? Reply

Lasarusa Yehuda Sovea Ben-Zion Suva, Fij Islands October 12, 2012

Betrayal I had similar experiences as K.O.Smith of Denison, Tx. There were people that betrayed my trust involving sums of close to a demi-million.

Wife and I did approach a few of them in person and told them that they are forgiven, even though none has ever being remorseful or even to say 'sorry'. A couple of them have died tragically, and the rest are either very sick or aren't succesful with what they are doing. Reply

Kenneth O. Smith Denison, TX u.s.a. October 5, 2012

I need help to for give Rabbi. Dear Rabbi Tzvi Freeman, I need your help twenty one years ago i work in a store part time. We had very little money, at that time people that are poor would come into the store and ask for food, I would give them food and tell the owner to take it out of my check.I started hauling trash and doing odd jobs to make money for the poor,I prayed to our G-d of Jacob and i ask Him to help.Our G-d is a Loving G-d of mercy the Holy One made a Miracle, with no money, no office, no phone, the L-rd gave me the Idea of asking businesses to give 5% of their sales to the poor in our little town, at that time we had 500 homeless people in our town. , we had companies in two states helping.I would get the contracts and they would help the poor with a 5% commission. Our first contract was $50,000.00 and when it was complete two members of our group stole the check and cash it, it was possible because we were not in-corporated.I shut down the program, I can't forgive them.
This was a blessing from G-d. Reply

Graham-Michoel Wellington, Select a state/province September 10, 2012

Only Human? Arnie, that is an amazing response - wonderful insight. Thank you for sharing it. Reply

arnie gerstein Sturgis, Michigan September 9, 2012

Only Human? G-d created a place to experience dualism, multiplicity to face the challenge or opportunity to learn to experience our true nature, how he created us out of Himself. We are like the spectrum of unique colors, all radiating from the white light, our non-separate, non fearful being, all loving, all goodness, our natural state. But without the dualistic nature of humans, not our native state, we came here to face the greatest challenge imaginable, to find light through darkness, reality through appearance and we shop around in choice stores to discover who we really are, parts of G-d, imaged in the beingness of Borei. Olam. It hurts to forgive only because we resist and fear who we really are and our non Oneness with others. We have all committed sins (errors of perception, and missed the mark, original meaning of Chet-sin or l'hachti). Reply

Lasarusa Yehuda Sovea Ben-Zion Suva, Fiji Islands September 8, 2012

My Position I have forgiven every person who has done me wrong, and yet I am still guilty of my bad deeds, even though I have sought forgiveness from many. Reply

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